Frankly, my dear: It’s not you, it’s me

By Abigail Ng, Chief Sub-editor

ALL-INCLUSIVE: Love is about increasing one’s affection, rather than withdrawing it as others enter our loved ones’ lives.
(GRAPHIC: KIMBERLY ANG)

Last July, I attended my Freshmen Welcome Ceremony. Together with at least 300 other bright-eyed freshmen, I listened as the guest-of-honour shared that 70 per cent of us undergraduates would find our lifetime partners in university.

Well, I haven’t, yet.

However, two of my siblings turned out to be part of this 70 per cent, and I realised that it was difficult for me to befriend their significant others.

To explain why this is so, I say: “It’s not you, it’s me.”

My potential in-laws are not unfriendly or mean. Rather, over-thinking my friendships is an inner struggle that causes me to treat them coldly. In fact, there was a time when I believed that I had no close friends.

Strangely enough, I was not upset by the revelation. On the other hand, my friends were both intrigued and hurt when they found out I did not consider them close friends.

In particular, a friend who was also my neighbour and classroom seating partner would repeatedly demand to know why she was not considered my close friend. After all, we did spend enormous amounts of time together.

I suppose that should have been a sign that my logic was flawed, but to 15-year-old me, it made so much sense. In my mind, people are like circles in a Venn diagram. Each person is represented by one circle encompassing their feelings and thoughts — all that they are.

When people become friends, a portion of their circles intersect. The extent of the overlap depends on how close they are. But because of the complexity of the human mind, I felt that there was so much more I needed to know about a person before we could be considered close friends.

At that time, to determine how well I knew someone, I asked myself: “What would they like for their next birthday?” And too often, I didn’t know. My conclusion would then be: No, I did not know this friend well enough.

While I grew to realise that knowing everything about someone is not the only way to foster a great friendship, I still can’t help but see people as circles in Venn diagrams. So when my brother started dating his girlfriend five years ago, I understood it as his circle overlapping with hers.

And because she was a stranger to me, I felt that my circle was mutually exclusive to hers. Therefore, I thought that the more her circle overlapped with my brother’s, the less mine overlapped with his.

Then my brother started making decisions that I did not understand, inadvertently making me believe that he was choosing his girlfriend over the family. Because I was upset at some of his decisions, I distanced myself from him, and despite knowing him all my life, I began to feel like I was losing the person I grew up with.

The natural solution would have been to get to know his girlfriend better, but instead I kept to myself even as my other family members welcomed her into their lives.

Unfortunately, this is not the only time such a situation has occurred. My sister and her boyfriend have been dating for a year now and I still don’t “like” him. It’s not him, it’s me.

I’ve shared a room with my sister my whole life. While her boyfriend will not replace me, a selfish part of me feels that it is difficult to be friends with someone who will take up more and more space in my sister’s life.

Thankfully, I have progressed further than before. He has not noticed my struggle to befriend him, although we are definitely not the best of friends.

Scientists say the human brain is only fully developed at the age of 25, so perhaps that’s when I will finally be able to relate to my family members’ significant others properly, right from when I am first introduced to them.

In the meantime, I am attempting to mitigate my problem by being honest about this matter. I also discussed this with my second brother and asked him to update me if he is courting anyone. This way, even before I meet his future girlfriend, I would already know a bit about her, making it easier for us to become friends.

I also explained to my sister that one day I will be friends with Potential Brother-in-Law, just as I am now friends with my brother’s girlfriend, who, turns out, is sweet and wonderful.

After all, if I love my siblings, then I can learn to love those who become part of their lives.

Frankly, my dear is a column by Chronicle Editors on issues close to their hearts.